Why Will He Not Cheat?

Everyone has a story. This one is about a woman slowly disappearing and another one appearing in her place.

This is part of my story and it may not be what you think. I was married to a faithful man; we both were faithful. It may be that he instinctively knew that it would have been a huge mistake otherwise. However, most likely it was that he knew that I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He was content with the status quo, and I believe deathly afraid that he would wake up a sleeping giant. A giant in the form of a 5.3" woman that had the capability of crushing his life. A life he wanted to maintain. A life he didn’t want to change.

He was completely right. I had been married for over 30 years and I know now that I was waiting for something to happen. Anything.

The truth is that at that moment, just not anything would do; it had to be something that would give me the great excuse I thought I needed. The socially acceptable excuse I needed to end my lukewarm unfulfilling marriage. I wanted him to have an extra marital affair. After all, wasn’t that the most common reason for marriages to end? If that happened, then I could then be “the victim”. It would be easier.

I have no idea what was going through my mind even now; but I do know that for some reason I felt trapped.

I laugh now when I remember pushing him to meet with his recently widowed ex secretary for lunch or something. It wasn’t something done consciously, it was more like a little wish. I call those my dark years.

Why did I I feel so trapped? What was I so afraid of? Even my sister had gotten out of her unhappy marriage after only three years? Why couldn’t I? I’m usually the brave one. Why was the fact that I was unhappy not reason enough?

It wasn’t in the cards! Apparently I came to this life to learn how to get out the hard way by choosing me. I was offered no other excuse. Well, I learned my lesson! Does this mean that I’ll do it right the first time, in my next life? I sure hope so!

I felt very trapped. Only that it was all in my head. There was no gun pointing at me keeping me there. My two boys were over sixteen years old, busy with their own lives, and capable of understanding. My extended family was not unfamiliar with divorce. I knew that we both would be financially fine. Yes, it would be a mess until the pieces fell into place, but nobody was going to die over it.

My guilt was misplaced. I should have felt guiltier about what I was doing to myself; because I wasn’t doing anything to anyone else…and at the end no one was surprised.

We want all those that we love and care for to be happy. I will always act now as I would want my children to act to secure their own happiness. My legacy to them is the license and wisdom in their lives to know that “it is okay to walk away from any situation that isn’t serving them, growing them, or making them happy”. I hope that I taught them that by example.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I would say that it is also a great teacher and the great illuminator.