If you think about it, most of what we do or don’t do was modeled by someone or some thing. It may be what wakes us up, give us license to do, or shows us the way.
So I asked myself, “What am I modeling?”.
If I must use one word to describe it…I think it would be freedom. Freedom to live life unencumbered by fears. That is what I strive to model in my life.
However…it wasn’t always like that.
Some years ago my life coach told me that my children will take their queue from my life. If they see me happy then they will be happy. If they see me unhappy then they will also feel unhappy. It made a lot of sense.
So, what was I modeling for them then? Did I want them to do as I was doing? No I didn’t. You see…back then I was in a marriage that was devoid of sweetness, and everything that comes with that; but I was being a coward. I was too afraid to face the fact that I was unhappy. I was too afraid to change my life. I was afraid to be true to me…to claim myself. I was afraid it would make my children unhappy, and I was reluctant to shatter the picture perfect life I had created for them and for my family. So I continued to live pretending. The problem with pretending is that it’s not real; and it starts eating away at your health and mind. The problem with pretending is that I believe my children saw through it…so, how happy could they really have been?
It seems that I sometimes still pretend; especially when telling my story. I guess old habits die hard. A very wise woman said to me recently, “You are a great decorator”; and she wasn’t talking about my house. She was referring to the fact that I have the propensity to “decorate” my experiences beautifully. In the sense that I make them sound wonderful…even the not so good ones. She said that it took her a while to realize and understand what I had gone through in my life.
She was right. I tend to make lemonade out of lemons. However, sometimes the sun cannot be blocked with just one finger. Maybe I should have spoken up more. Maybe I should have let how I felt be known? You know what they say about hindsight.
However, since I didn’t, it took everyone by surprise. Not my ex husband though; after all, he was in the same marriage I was in. He was just surprised that there was no “later” available. He just couldn’t believe that I was so done.
The way you lead your life is saying something about you. It talks about who you truly are. It reflects what you believe.
What is your life saying about you?
