Touch Me Please…Tell Me Please…

What is your love language? The first time I heard about the book called “The Five Love Languages”, it was during the summer of 2015 and I was sitting on the beach in the Bahamas. It intrigued me so I decided to read it right there and then.

I must say that it was an eye opener. I mean it in the sense that it helped me understand why I may have failed to communicate in my past relationships. We just, plainly and simply, spoke different languages.

According to this theory, we all have certain ways in which we express our love. These ways are in fact languages of love. The book talks about five main languages, and explains how whichever language I personally use to show my love for someone else, is also the way that I personally “expect” to receive love from that person. If said partner “speaks” a different language, then I may miss the message, it’s like he or she is speaking Chinese while I am speaking French. The result is that I end up feeling unloved and dissatisfied. However, it may just be miscommunication. In fact… lost in translation. For example, he or she might give you a gift… but if your love language is Words of Affirmation, it may mean nothing to you unless the gift is accompanied by the right words.

One particular instance comes to mind…I had been married eighteen years and my then husband surprised me with a diamond ring. His idea was to replace the $400 little diamond ring he had given me when we were first engaged at 23 and 19 years old.

I do remember the moment he gave me that little diamond ring; mainly because I felt a bit disappointed back then. He didn’t say the words to accompany the gift. He didn’t accompany the gift with a kiss and hug. He failed to give it to me in the restaurant and instead chose to give it to me in the car…in a dark and ugly parking lot. I guess I wanted the romantic setting with the right words and the loving kiss. What girl doesn’t?

I know he meant to be romantic with this beautiful and expensive new ring… however, he didn’t give it to me in the restaurant, he didn’t say the words of love to accompany it. He didn’t give me the loving kiss. He gave it to me in the car…in a dark and ugly parking lot…again! To make things worse…he actually paid for it with our Amex card; therefore since I made all the payments, I ended up having to be the one worrying about how to pay for the damn ring. At least the original ring had a bit more meaning to me. I was perfectly content with that one! I was disappointed; but not surprised, that he didn’t know me enough to know that.

I realized at that moment, sitting on that sunny beach, that my main language is Words of Affirmation…closely followed by Touch. However, it appears that I speak several languages, as most of us probably do. The test showed that Quality Time, and Acts of Service were also very high scoring for me. The only one that didn’t seem to be an important one to me was Gifts…which surprised me somewhat because I do like to give gifts and see the persons pleasure… but I also realize that it’s all about the thoughtfulness for me.

I sat and thought about how I communicate my love. I’m a definitely a “toucher”. I love to caress, play with his hair, to have a physical connection at all times if possible. Even if it’s a finger touching… or a foot! And I love love love to kiss… I could kiss forever! I also definitely like to express my feelings verbally and in writing… sometimes I think…maybe too much? Perhaps it’s because I was incapable of expressing them for so many years, that I’m now letting it all out. I now say what I feel right away. Why not? I have no time to waste.

The point of the love languages theory is that a relationship will work better if both persons speak the same language; or at the very least share one of them. If not…it becomes a chore. Meaning that love languages can be learned just like learning to speak French. However, you must first be able to decipher which language your partner speaks. It’s obviously easier if both people in a relationship already speak the same language. Otherwise, there will be a lot of misunderstandings and dissatisfaction.

It’s no wonder that I felt dissatisfied and unloved in my physically and verbally deprived marriage. But it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

We just always spoke different languages.🤷‍♀️