“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don’t bring forth what is within you, what you don’t bring forth will destroy you.”
~from the Agnostic Gospel of St. Thomas
I first read those words in Stephen Cope’s book called “The Great Work Of Your Life”… and just like Cope’s reaction to this statement, I also felt the stab piercing through my gut…the truth in those words.
In fact, this was truly speaking of our particular personal Dharma. This philosophy says that when one lives a life aligned with one’s Dharma, one achieves happiness and well-being. Every human being has a unique vocation or path…that is their personal Dharma.
I’m of the opinion that when we are children we know our Dharma; we instinctively know who we are, what we love, what resonates, what we came to do. But, as time goes by and we grow, we are told what we can’t or should not do or even think about.
Basically, albeit with the best of intentions, they mess us up. They confuse us to the point that we forget who we truly are or want.
We are told what is expected of us; and we tend to conform and obey until who we were or wanted to be is no longer relevant.
So what happens is that most of us end up living a life that is not truly who we are. We become great pretenders and ignore our Dharma.
I tried to think back to the child that I was before the programming completely screwed me up. What was it that I wanted to be or do when I was a young girl? What did I think about? Dream about? How did I envision myself, my life? What was important to me? I knew that if I found that girl again, I would also find what is within me. What I was born to be.
And the search began …
As a child I was very curious about the world…I wanted to see it…I wanted to experience things. I even dreamed of sitting with monks high in the Kunlun mountains of the Tibet…yes…I wanted to find that fictional utopian Shangri La.🤷♀️
I was mesmerized by artistic expressions of any kind; and I used to spend countless hours playing my guitar. Even as a 9 year old, I had notebooks filled with pictures, poems, songs, and articles that called to me. Works of art that made me wonder, and sparked my imagination. So I would read the biographies of people that had done what I wanted to do. It fascinated me.
I “escaped” by reading books. Often books that I wasn’t supposed to be reading at my age. Luckily, my father was an avid reader and had an extensive library…and he never got rid of any book! It was easy to “borrow” books that I had been strictly forbidden to read, and then to carefully place them back in their place in the morning. He actually never knew. No one did.
Those novels talked to me about different cultures, religions, and histories. They taught me about the good and the bad within people, and the good and the evil in the world…among other things that I was probably too young to know about. In fact, those books showed me the world outside my carefully constructed perfect bubble life.
It was way better than any school!
I know that I disliked injustices and bullying to the point of getting into trouble several times in school. So I was a bit of a warrior. Not sure if my efforts were appreciated though…Haha. Oh well…
I liked to try new things; put myself out there; compete in sports; act in plays; and I was a bit reckless sometimes…I definitely liked adrenaline. The funny thing is that I was supposed to be an overprotected girl…and yet I found ways to defy that. My mother really was clueless.
I specially remember that I wanted to be an “astronaut” and work for NASA…and go to the moon! Of course.
Thinking about it. I was somewhat of a precocious child. Well, it is what it was.🧐
Encapsulating it, one could say that I was seeking beauty, justice, diversity, self expression, and adventure.
Yes. Pretty ambitious and also pretty unattainable considering that I wasn’t even allowed to go away to summer camp. 🥹
My parents seemed to have a different set of rules for my brothers though…because after all…I was a “girl”. It sucked.
Therefore, slowly but surely, I buried my true essence and convinced myself that I wanted the traditional life that my parents envisioned for me. Not unlike their life and the ones before them.
The problem with living that perfect kind of life which seemed so beautiful to those looking in, is that it didn’t feel like my truth. What I was stifling within me was in fact destroying me…and it nearly killed me.
I mean spiritually…but it could also have manifested as a physical ailment. In fact, during that period of my life, everything ached in my body. Back then, I would go through Aleve bottles quite fast. Go figure.
That’s exactly why St Thomas’ words rang so true. It’s because I experienced it first hand.
So to save my life I had to find what was within me before it destroyed me. I had to find what I had buried but had not quite forgotten.
It was hard work to shed the programming. It wasn’t easy to defy expectations. To change my life was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. It’s been difficult for those around me to get to know the true me. To accept and understand that I will no longer compromise who I am and what I want to do with my life.
It’s been 10 years now. I admit that I still play a pretend role with my family sometimes. The difference is that I do it consciously and for them… so that they can recognize me. However, I live a life with no limitations, no fears, and more importantly…no guilt.
I strive to live my life the way I envisioned when I was a child.
I know that I haven’t completely dug out all that is within me yet. I know that there are still some dragons that I must slay along the way. I also know that this is the biggest challenge of my life.
So yes, I am a work in progress and the most important job I’ve ever undertaken.
Hands down.
