A few years ago I went through a divorce negotiation that lasted two and a half years. It seemed to me that everyone I talked to was either going through it too, or had a divorce battle story to tell me. It was like a cosmic reaction. I heard everything from super amicable divorce stories to “War of the Roses” stories.
I remember the guys in particular because they were all pretty much cut from the same cloth. They all thought the wives were taking them to the cleaners. I have come to realize that husbands, in general, do not put a value to all their wives do and have done for them, for their house, for their children, and sometimes for their business. I believe they would be surprised if they actually sat down, made a list, and figure out how much it would have cost them for someone else to have taken care of those intangible things that made their lives so easy and allowed them to concentrate on their business.
I really believe that people forget that unless they have a prenuptial agreement, when they marry everything belongs to both spouses. It stands to reason that if there is a separation every dollar, every property, and every debt is divided equally. Also, decisions made by both regarding child rearing come into play. Sadly, some women decide to let go of their careers to raise their children. It is a choice made by both spouses but that renders the wife dependent on the husband’s income. This, of course, has to be calculated as well. A value has to be placed on raising children and loss of income and career. Ergo alimony. I also know of cases that the wife is the bread winner and the husband the caretaker… and it works the same way! She will have to pay him alimony or transitional support as well. It’s not about being the man or the woman. There are no victims…it’s about being fair.
My ex-husband said to me during that time, that he felt very upset at what he saw as losing half his money. He told me that he had been losing sleep over it until the day that his brother said to him,
“Listen buddy, that money is not yours. That half belongs to her. You can’t lose what isn’t yours to begin with”.
Brilliant! He hit right on the nose. The money is not yours anyway. I’m glad he was able to sleep again.
I am thinking that it could be equated to investing in the stock market. That half that doesn’t belong to you is really like the “unrealized gains”. You see the amount and you think you own it; but the reality is that the next day the market could crash and “poof” it goes away. You never really had it. Humm… I need to work on that analogy.
Marriage is essentially a business arrangement when it comes to money. If I break a business partnership or company I expect that the assets will be divided among the partners equally and be happy to be rid of it… divorce is no different.
Looking at it from the right perspective makes all the difference in the world.
