“Why Are You Pretending?”

Pretension, such a fun word to pronounce. A pretty word with a charged meaning.

I am of the opinion that human beings are pretenders. For the most part everyone pretends to be something they are not or pretends to feel something they don’t.

There are all sorts of pretensions going on. The most common one is the pretense that all is well. How many times has someone said to you “How are you?”? , and how many times have you responded “I’m fine, thank you”? We do it automatically. Like a ritual. It’s kind of understandable because who wants to hear the truth? It may be that you are fine… but it may also be that you don’t feel well, or that you are going through a terrible time in your life…however, most likely you don’t expect to hear or even consider answering anything else but “I’m fine”. I laugh thinking at the reactions if you were to answer truthfully…like…“since you asked…I’m feeling very unhappy in my relationship… want to hear about it? Nah…we don’t go there.

Some will pretend they like to party hard…just to fit in. Others are afraid to say they are intellectual nerds because they want to be accepted by the cool crowd. So they pretend to be someone they are not.

I must talk about us women. Many of us women (not sure about men) will pretend to like the intimacy with someone…even if we are not enjoying it. I must say I’m guilty of having done that in the past. I will never ever do that again. It’s like violating your own body. I think that if you allow anyone (even if it’s your husband or boyfriend) to engage you sexually when you are not feeling it, like for example because they expect it, is terrible and your soul will feel it. It’s like if a piece of your soul dies when that happens. Therefore, I believe that if I allow it to happen, I will eventually end that relationship. It’s important for the pretense to end there!

I know I pretended for years and years to be in a happy marriage. It was easier to do that than to deal with the issue. Sadly my youth passed me by. Oh, I still feel young… I actually feel younger than I felt when I was in those pretend years. I think it was because a burden was lifted. I had to pretend to myself, my husband, my family, our friends, and society. I was tired. It’s hard work to keep up a pretense of that magnitude.

The funny thing is that no matter how good an actor you are, the truth does come out. There is a saying in Spanish that goes like this “Dime de lo que pretendes y te diré de lo que careces”… which translates to “Tell me what you are pretending and I’ll tell you what you are lacking”. I come from people that have a wise saying for any situation! The point is that even if you think not, people can see through your façade. Everyone sees what is true, everyone can see through your pretense.

One of the hardest moments for me was telling my elder parents that my husband and I were separating. In my mind, they were going to be shocked and surprised. After all, we had pretended so well for so many years. Right? Well, it shocked me when they were not. They told me they had seen it for years and had always wondered. They had come to the conclusion that perhaps that’s how we were…that maybe we were happy that way. The same thing happened with our best friends… and I believe even our sons. No one was surprised. Except maybe us.

I confess I still find myself pretending once in a while. I will pretend something didn’t bother me…even though it did. I may also pretend that I’m enjoying something I’m not just to spare someone else’s feelings. The difference is that I’m conscious about it and I will address it eventually.

No point in beating myself about it. It’s okay. That’s what we do. We are pretenders.

I wonder… do monkeys pretend? Hum, I’m thinking that this is probably something we don’t share with the rest of the animal kingdom.