Throughout the years I’ve found myself in a state of uncertainty, in a waiting mode, and never ever by choice.
The question then came up in my mind…Why is it that I completely reject and actually resent being forced into this ambivalent state? Because being in a state of limbo is something that I’ve come to realize I simply cannot do.
In ruminating about it, I came to realize that events in our lives shape who we are and our view of the world in ways that may surprise us sometimes.
I, for example, was born and grew up at a time when my parents’ lives were in total chaos and upheaval, having had to flee from their native Cuba and emigrate to a new country… namely Venezuela. This move was supposed to have been a spring board to the USA; but instead, they ended up staying 14 years in Caracas. Which happen to have been the first 14 years of my life.
It follows that from the time I’m able to remember, I was told that we were there only temporarily; that we would eventually move to the USA… so in other words…no point in getting too attached. The problem was that they didn’t really know when or if that would be. So the result was that I lived in a constant state of limbo.
The interesting thing is that once we did move, that feeling of uncertainty should have gone away but it didn’t! It was so ingrained in me, that it took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that I was here to stay. That feeling of limbo wouldn’t leave me because it was part of my makeup by then.
I wonder sometimes how many people and things I treated as temporary… friends?… relationships?… jobs? And it’s has taken a lot of self work to change that sometimes crippling behavior.
It should come as no surprise that now I have very little patience for anything or anyone that puts me in that ambivalent position. I find indecision frustrating. I prefer to decide, take risks, and if I must, deal with the consequences. What I have trouble with is that state of neither here nor there, and I hate the word maybe.
This is true for pretty much every aspect of my life; it doesn’t matter if it’s professional or personal. If left “up in the air”, there will be a very loud thump!
It would be amazing if everyone would just define themselves …define the situation…define what they want and don’t want. Commit or say no… buy the ticket or say I pass…just don’t keep me in limbo! This is probably why I travel alone sometimes…because if I wait for others to decide I will most likely miss opportunities for wonderful adventures.
Is it wrong that I don’t like to be forced into situations where I don’t know where I stand…? Situations when I’m forced into waiting and into the game of uncertainty? Does anyone like that?
I want to know. I want a decision made. I want to hear “I like you” or “I don’t like you”. I want to know if I have the job or not. I want to know if you want the job or not. I want to know if you will be buying the ticket! What I don’t want to hear is things like “I don’t know..”, “We’ll see…”, “Who knows…”, “Maybe…”
That is…unless you want to “kill” me!🥹
