I’ve Chosen Courage And Now I Choose Happiness

It would have been our wedding anniversary today.

They say that hindsight is 20/20. So I asked myself this question: “Did I make the right decision nine years ago?”

It’s been nine years since I took a leap of faith. Faith in myself. Faith in the knowledge that I was living a life that wasn’t meant for me.

Few realize the courage it took. I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach that threatened to make me puke; and yet somehow I was also cool, calm, and collected. I’ve read it compared to the feeling of throwing yourself from a plane hoping that the parachute will open and that you will survive. I have to say that is the best metaphor yet.

I knew that I was making an incredibly tough choice for both of us. Because wether he liked it or not; wanted it or not, I knew that his life was going to change as well. It’s true that nobody likes change that is forced upon them.

I just couldn’t continue living a half life any longer. I couldn’t continue pretending. The children were grown and in college. Yes their life would change as well… and that was the hardest part.

However, I deserved better. He deserved better. We deserved better. Everyone deserved better.

The truth is that by divorcing we would at least have the opportunity to find a better relationship. Opportunity that wouldn’t exist unless I took this step.

It’s like I said to him that fateful morning; “I’m not looking for a better man…because you are a good man… I’m hoping for a better and more satisfying relationship”. I also knew that the day he was with a woman that wanted to be with him… he would feel the difference.

Nine years later that elusive man hasn’t come into my life… yet. I knew that there was the possibility that I would be alone for a while…if not forever.

Oh, I’ve had relationships… but not the right ones. The hard truth is that I would rather be alone than settle again. I won’t do that again ever again. The lesson was learned.

A friend told me today that she thought we brought the worst of each other out. She said that we are better people separately. I believe her. I know that now I’m a truer version of me.

It didn’t come without sacrifice. It didn’t come without judgement. There were prices to pay. However, the cost would have been much higher had I stayed. I was literally rescuing myself.

My life would have continued to be a constant struggle. Struggle with feeling dissatisfaction, emptiness, lack of authenticity. I was starving for affection. There is nothing worse than feeling lonely in bed even though I was not alone.

How do I feel nine years later? An apt description would be

“I feel free and I’m at peace”.

So, did I make the right decision? The answer is a resounding “YES”!