Daddy Issuesđź–¤
I realize that in my past relationships I have accepted less than I deserve; WHY?; I have accepted less than I knew would satisfy me; WHY? In short, I settled for less than I should; WHY? WHY?!
After a lot of introspection, I came to the conclusion that I must have “daddy issues”.
After all, it’s a fact that the first male role model in a girl’s life is her father.
My father, although a very good man, was simply incapable of giving affection. Shows of affection made him uncomfortable. He showed his love by providing for us and sort of being there. But…was he really?
The fact is that the men that have come into my life in the past, have been incapable of giving me what I have been missing. I don’t think I was ever the center of their world. I was never the beginning and the end. In reality…I had no expectations. In truth, I probably thought I didn’t deserve it. And sadly, I believe it all stems from my relationship or lack of, with my father.
I realize that even though he was a “good father”, he was aloof and impatient with his children as we were growing up. Sometimes short tempered and even unfair in punishing us sometimes.
This might seem commonplace for most… and it probably is… who knows? Nevertheless, it affected me because it was not counteracted by a hug, a kiss, a caress, an apology… or a kind word.
The thing is that I’m naturally an affectionate person. Plainly and simply. But sadly, my displays of affection were shunned or even mocked…or at least it felt as if they were being rejected. I do know now that it wasn’t about me…it was just that he didn’t know how. And even though I realized this intellectually, the damage had been done.
As life does; and as it usually happens in these cases, I ended up marrying a man who was impatient, uncomfortable with touch and affection, short tempered, and unfair at times. He sometimes would give me “silent treatments” if I did something that somehow offended him. Therefore, I always ended up apologizing for whatever I wasn’t guilty about… just to keep the peace. That manipulation technique felt emotionally abusive to me. So yes, he was never able to give me what I wanted the most. To feel loved. To be able to give and receive love and affection without restrictions. There was a palpable lack of sweetness in how we treated each other.
In short… I ended up marrying my father! …or a close version for sure 🥹. I think that in many ways, I replicated my parents’ marriage. I guess it must have felt familiar to me. Yes, I knew how to handle it because I had witnessed it all of my life.
I believe this is also the reason why so many girls hang on to relationships that don’t make them happy. Also, why they can’t let go of partners who are emotionally abusive; or why they stick to guys who don’t deserve them.
It took me a very long time to acknowledge that I needed something else; that I needed more; that I deserved better for myself; that I could aspire for more; that I was slowly dying inside; that it wasn’t what I wanted for me; and even longer to find the courage to do something in order to find it.
If I was ever to experience being in a relationship in which I felt loved; if I was ever to be with a man to whom I am the beginning and the end; if I was ever going to find and share love and affection freely with the love of my life; then I had to stop accepting scraps from those that were incapable to give more or just won’t do the same.
This means that the WHY is very clear. It is the HOW to avoid repeating the pattern that I must now be vigilant about.
Interestingly, my father who is now over 90 years old, and because life is really a dramatic comedy, would like to show and receive affection from us. Yes, I’m talking hugs, kisses, attention, etc. This new behavior came about, of course, after a close brush with death a few years ago.
Even more interesting is that it is now me that feels uncomfortable giving it to him. It just doesn’t feel natural. I wish I felt differently.
Such is life!🥹
